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2003-01-31 3:28 a.m.

intimidation OR greyarea inflates his pathetic idea of having a "lone wolf" image

Hum. Someone said to me, "Oh- you didn't shave today!"

You wanna know how been its long since I shaved? About two weeks.

I am such a manly man.

Who some people find intimidating. Which never fails to amuse (and secretly please) me.

I'm 5'6", 125 pounds, and fairly androgynous looking. Not exactly piss-yourself terrifying.

I think the first time I intimidated people was in eighth grade. That was the year I began to have some success in wrestling. In ninth grade I was undefeated (versus other ninth graders) and in tenth grade I did pretty damn well, too (especially considering the declining state of my health at that time, which later prevented me from wrestling my junior and senior years... but that's a different story altogether). I weighed about 100 pounds in 10th grade. And yet many of the kids I wrestled were indeed intimidated by me. Kinda funny.

And now that I'm a brown belt and assistant instructor in karate, people are intimidated by me at karate practice. Especially people new to the club.

But it's not just my ability, real or perceived, to kick your ass that seems to intimidate people. When I was getting my EMT-Basic certification several years ago, there was a trio of burly cowboy truck-drivin' types in the class. They spent their summers fighting forest fires and their winters a-huntin'. Around the time of the certification exam they told me that originally they were scared of me- the way I would stride into class in my black trenchcoat looking all sullen (this was around the time of Columbine).

That's pretty damn funny.

Actually, at the beginning of that class, I was a little intimidated by them.

But in the end we all turned out to be normal more-or-less decent human beings.

David was scared of me when he first met me, too, apparently.

So, why are people intimidated by me? My mother says I tend to radiate "Don't talk to me" rays wherever I go. Junko thinks that I act cold and distant towards most people, and that I kind of enjoy it.

Eh. I guess it's true. I was just talking to my friend about how we tend to keep people out. Part of it is a defence mechanism. Part of it is that being social requires a lot of energy on my part- energy I usually don't have.

I'd like to think that besides just coming off a bit antisocial, I also exude confidence. Confidence and aloofness may combine into some weird perceived form of arrogance that intimidates people.

I ain't complaining. I've got a few good friends, who know me for what I am. Which is decidedly not scary. I don't think. Once you get to know me, I think I'm really quite sweet, even dorky.

But being scary has its uses. I've had all the symptoms of being a total geek most of my life, but no one has hassled me about it since elementary school. The guys who made targets out of dorks, dweebs, nerds, and geeks just knew not to fuck with me. They wouldn't have gotten what they were looking for out of me, anyway.

Or maybe I was just lucky.

In any case, I like appearing to be on a whole different plane from everyone around me. Untouchable. They don't need to know that it's not really true.

In other news, I bought Nosferatu (the 1921, not the 1979 (which sucked ass)) on DVD and The Seventh Seal DVD is on its way. We should all get together and have a Gothic Film Night sometime.

Afterwards we'll watch The Emperor's New Groove to clear our heads.

I love The Emperor's New Groove.

it's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand,


if you don't make a friend now
one might make you
so learn the gentle art of making enemies