Well, sorry about that last entry. Can't be glib and sarcastic all the time, can I? umm. nevermind...

I was actually feeling pretty good around 3-4am last night. More or less completely without reason. Of course that was gone when the alarm went off a 7am. Usually I at least make an attempt to convince myself to go to class, but that alarm went off, I turned that sucker right off and went back to sleep, nonchalantly crushing the weak objections of Rational Me. And got up at 12:30. I would have slept in even later, but I felt like I really ought to go to Japanese.

I yap a lot about mornings, don't I? They're probably my number one struggle in life right now. Outwardly, at least. That and general apathy, but they're probably related.

I was talking to Chuck about how sometimes the only thing keeping me from saying "to hell with it!" and just taking off to who knows where without any warning is that I don't have the guts to do it. She actually thinks I should. But she might change her mind if I actually did.

Another thing keeping me here is that here is my best opportunity to learn Japanese. And I want to be comfortable in Japanese before I go there. And go there I must. Why, I don't quite know.

all i know is i gotta be
where my heart says i oughta be
it often makes no sense in fact
i never understand these things i feel

[if you know what that's from, you might be cool]

It started simply enough, with a little something called... Sailor Moon. I had heard mention of the show before, didn't really know what it was about. So, when I saw it was on Cartoon Network, I checked it out. It was kind of interesting, kind of funny. So I kept watching now and again. But soon my usage started getting more regular. Before long it was everyday that I was watching- I loved the stuff! (No one who knows me, least of all myself, understands my fascination with that stupid show- it just happened.) In fact, for about three months this time a year ago, watching Sailor Moon was pretty much the only reason I got out of bed at all, and recording it was the most important thing I did every day. I did manage to get all the DIC dubbed episodes on tape. Anyway... Soon I was moving on to even harder stuff- Ranma 1/2, Record of Lodoss War, Oh My Goddess!, Vampire Princess Miyu, Miyazaki films, and others. And so a little innocent curiosity as to what this Sailor Moon stuff was all about blossomed into a slight obsession with all anim�, and Japan and Japanese culture in general. So, for some reason I have to go there, if only to destroy my illusions of it.

You know, there's kind of a cookie cutter life that most people end up more or less conforming themselves to. Something in me wants to avoid that. We'll see.

"Why do you stay here and live this mean moiling life, when a glorious existence is possible for you? Those same stars twinkle over other fields than these. But how to come out of this condition and actually migrate thither?" -thoreau

You shouldn't hit a man with glasses. Use a baseball bat instead.

I don't like baseball. I was on a baseball team for about three days when I was about 9 or so. I was really terrible. I remember the coach took me in the middle of practice and decided to just pitch balls at me until I hit one. It took a while, if I remember. Sometimes I wouldn't even bother swinging, and I remember he said, "Good eye, good eye" in an attempt to encourage me. Thanks there, Mr. Self Esteem. I'm sure the other kids were hoping he'd finally get frustrated and throw the ball AT me instead of past me. He stuck me in the outfield, behind another outfielder. My job was to get the ball if the kid in front of me didn't. I almost appreciated the effort Coach made to at least make it seem like I was actually serving a useful purpose- me being the kid who would always (maybe, sometimes, rarely, almost as often Martha Stewart lets one rip at the dinner table) clean up the pathetic mistakes of the poor fool in front of me... But, I quit, to the relief of all involved. It comes down to this- I don't do sports that require balls. Swimming, wrestling, karate- I can do pretty darn good in those. But keep yer balls to yerself, pal.

And wtf is up with televised sports? Why do people get paid so much to do that, and why do people care so much about whether one group of guys puts more balls in the hole than the other group of guys? It's such a huge waste of money and time. Around the same age as my unfortunate baseball experience, I made some kind of attempt to act like a normal boy and get interested in televised sports. I even bought... baseball cards. It just didn't work. That was the last of my attempts to conform. Around age 11 or 12, I finally realized that I wasn't like the other kids and that in a round about way, it's actually cooler to defy the norm. Though hand in hand with my lack of interest in the same things the other boys were doing was a desire to not be overly noticed. "Lead, follow, or get out of the way." I'll just get out of the way, thanks. Go have your little parade- I'll just watch from the shade.

How to Speak French

"Tu parais tr�s belle dans la lumi�re de bougie, mon pote."

"You look beautiful in the candlelight, buddy."

[if you know what that's a rip-off of, you might be cool.]

it's hard to keep my soul on the ground,

grey

Diaryland