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2009-04-21 11:15 p.m.

love and agony

A number of things in my life have been going well lately. I finally got a black belt in karate (and it only took ten years!). I got a prestigious fellowship. I passed my preliminary exams with flying colors. Even my experiments are looking promising these days. But all that seems very abstract to me right now.

What is real to me is that over the past several months, the feeling that WTF and I need to break up has been growing like onrushing nausea.

thickening streams of greed
as bit by bit
it starts the need
to just let go my party piece

The other night she punched me in the gut, so to speak, pressing me on to the long-feared metaphorical vomiting. Last night I went over to her place with the intention of breaking up with her.

"When your mind is going hither and thither, discrimination will never be brought to a conclusion. With an intense, fresh and undelaying spirit, one will make his judgements within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break right through to the other side."

But I couldn't do it. I was there for four hours staring at her, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. In fact, there were numerous points when I had the urge to ask her to marry me, instead. This was not unexpected, somehow. I tried to force myself to just make a decision and go with it, but I just couldn't say the words.

yesterday i stood and stared wide-eyed in front of you
and the face i saw looked back the way i wanted to

She knows what's up, and she is not happy about it. She wants us to spend the rest of our lives together, and she's worried about what's in store for her future if I'm not in it. She seems desperate to keep us together.

i can't accept that it's over
and i will block the door like a goalie tending the net
in the third quarter
of the tied game rivalry
just say how to make it right
and i swear i'll do my best to comply

I hate this. These horrible experiences don't make me stronger or better; they only make me timid and scared and jaded. I don't want love if this is the result.

and both of us knew
how the end always is

All that's clear to me is that my heart is divided into two factions on this issue, both of which are quite willing to fight to the death to get their way. Every time this happens, it's like a little piece of my heart breaks off and dies, leaving that much less for the next person.

cupid put too much poison in the dart

Anyway, as a last-ditch desperation measure, we are going to not see each other for two weeks. We'll see how things feel at the end of that.

I remember thinking that she never looked more beautiful than she did last night. I've never seen her eyes look like that before. I wasn't aware a person's eyes could look like that.

your sorry eyes
that cut through bone
that make it hard
to leave you alone

I've talked to a lot of people about it. Everyone has different ideas. It seems like if you're not sure you should get married, you shouldn't. That's a good general rule, but I'm starting to wonder if it really applies in this case, or to me. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get married if I keep to that rule. I don't know anything about love.

Perhaps the wisest counsel comes from Kierkegaard:

"I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations- one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it- you will regret both."

So what am I to do? She says she prays that a light will shine and a flower will bloom in my heart during these two weeks. But I feel like

all the prayers your hands can make
i just take as much as you can throw
and then throw it all away

and every time i try to pick it up
like falling sand
as fast as i pick it up
it runs away through my clutching hands

I desperately want to avoid what breaking up would do to her and to me. It would be an emotional holocaust. But is there anything else I can really do?

I will keep you posted.

you pray for rain i pray for blindness,