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2004-04-26 11:29 p.m.

pearls before swine (or) NO YELLING ON THE BUS!

So, today I covered some high school English classes.

They're doing a unit on romance, or something, and the teacher left three movies for me to choose from for them to watch and do a worksheet on. The films were: The Sound of Music, Houseboat (with Cary Grant and Sofia Loren), and Roman Holiday.

Of course I picked Roman Holiday because Audrey Hepburn is the most beautiful woman who ever lived, and this was her breakout film, the one that got her her Oscar, and one in which she is absolutely DARLING. I told the kids all this beforehand, to prep them to appreciate this film and especially Audrey.

And of course, most of the kids hated it. A few appreciated it, I think, but they were a minority. Just the fact that it was black and white was enough to invalidate the movie in the eyes of most of the kids.

"Black and white movies suck!" they say.

"You know something, YOU SUCK!" I think.

Audrey makes her first appearance, and a kid says, "That's the most beautiful woman ever? No way, Carmen Electra is way hotter."

In my fantasy world I bitch slap the little bastard and he hangs his head in shame, realizing that he must change his fuckwitty ways or his soul will be eternally lost.

In another class a kid asks, "Why do you think she's so beautiful? Isn't she dead?"

Apparently he thinks that I should think a living woman is the most beautiful woman ever because there'd at least be a chance of me being able to be with her while she is in her glory. Or at least, that's what I inferred from his endless repetitions on the theme of "But... she's dead" when I asked him what being alive or dead has to do with the beauty of a woman in a movie.

I counter that the living famous women he's interested in might as well be dead for all the chance he has of ever being with them.

He apparently took this as an insult. But that's just the way it is, pal, for you or for me or anyone in this room. It's never gonna happen!

A little later, he tells me that his prom date was hotter than Audrey Hepburn.

Fists of Fury! Must not use... Fists of Fury..., I think, my brow furrowing, my face sweating... It was just like Chris Farley in Billy Madison muttering, "I'll turn this damn bus around... That'll end your PRECIOUS field trip pretty DAMN quick..." It was cool.


Actually I didn't think that.

But you can imagine what it would have been like if I had! Eh? Eh? *wink wink nudge nudge*

So, yes, today I have truly experienced the concept of "pearls before swine."

This job seems to encourage my more misanthropic tendencies.

Speaking of which, here's another conversation I overheard today:

Boy: "Wow, you're really using big words today!" [Girl had just used the word "pretentious"]

Girl: "Yeah, today in [X class], I was talking to [Y teacher] about how she's still single, and I said, 'Why are you so cynical?' I don't even know what that means, but it sounded good!"

more affectionate than hate,