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2002-05-01 4:48 p.m.

my diabetic cat, erotic instrument repair, and i love her

My cat isn't doing that well. She's a lot skinnier, her coat isn't as beautifully maintained as it used to be, she can barely jump up onto the couch, and most of the time when she tries to meow it comes out all sickly-like.

My clarinet's undergoing major reconstructive surgery this week. I haven't played for about nine months, because it finally got to the point where it wasn't playable anymore, and I hadn't gotten around to taking it in until this week. The guy I talked to on phone said that my clarinet has been "ridden hard and put away wet" for a long time now. I didn't know instrument repair could be so erotic.

So, anyway, Sunday was my last day with Junko (today is Wednesday). We went out to Junko's favorite spot on the lake and spent some time there. Then we went to Walmart. Walmart is Junko's favorite store. I don't understand why, but she just loves wandering around the place and looking at things. I don't care much for that kind of thing myself, but I do very much enjoy watching Junko enjoy Walmart. It's kind of like my parents watching certain comedies. My dad laughs at the jokes, and my mom laughs at my dad laughing at the jokes. After Walmart we went out to eat. I ended up leaving a couple of hours later than I wanted to, but I didn't much care.

Junko cried as I was leaving. She'll graduate while I'm in Japan, and it's not clear yet whether she'll be here when I get back. See, she's older than me and looking to settle down, get married. I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet, and I've told her so. So she may decide that it's in her best interest to move on. I do want her to be here when I get back...

The weird thing is that as I was driving away from her, I actually cried myself, without expecting to. It was surprising. It was the first time I'd cried in three and a half years. I never cried because of anything related to Duchess, even when it felt like I should have. Crying's just not something that comes naturally to me. Maybe it's a good sign for my relationship with Junko that I cried when leaving her.

I've realized lately that though Junko's and my interests only overlap enough for us to find things to do together (mostly watching movies and occasionally going out to places of natural beauty), our personalities actually mesh together really well... I think time apart from her is what I need right now, though. If after four months away from her I still feel the same way as I do now, I'll know I've got something I need to hold on to. Hopefully she'll still be there to be held.

Yeah, I told her I love her.

married with a lack of vision,