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2000-05-08 21:30:58

on loneliness

Having been absent from the web for the past couple of weeks, I have been catching up on my Mysteria reading the past couple of days. And thus I am inspired to actually have a topic for this entry. The topic is: LONELINESS.

I don't have any planned statements to make, but I am listening to The Cure right now.

it's not so easy
'specially when your only friend
talks, looks, and feels like you
and you do just the same like him

(Those aren't Cure lyrics, by the way...)

I just passed my two year anniversary of being very lonely. The first year was really painful sometimes. Both were, actually, but just on the issue of loneliness, the first year was the weirdest. And sometimes I would do some weird crap. I don't feel like going into what, exactly, because it's probably only weird to me. But, eventually, it really didn't matter so much anymore. I got used to it. It's kind of strange being very lonely and yet being okay with that. Pangs still smash into me from time to time. And I was generally very depressed... I'm more or less content at the moment, though. At peace. Getting by. We'll see...

A big part of it is that my general outlook on reality has undergone a massive shift in the last two years. It's still shifting, actually. I guess I'm still trying to figure out where I want to shift to, or if what I really want is to go back to the same old point of view. Externally, I probably act and seem much as I did before, but there's been an internal revolution. I can't relate to people the way I used to, especially here. I'm not sure how I ended up back here again- I didn't really fit in here to begin with, and now I'm completely out of place. (i'm not like them, but i can pretend) But I really like the biochemistry program here and I can't think of another place where I could get this level of education for this price. (every time i listen to "ode to no one" by smashing pumpkins, i think, "that's my graduation song")

A big part of my loneliness is a lack of feminine companionship. And it's not just a desire for some action (though that's certainly a part)... There's that certain emotional intimacy and affection that you can get with that certain someone that is priceless to me. That mutual ownership- I crave it.

And yet, I'm really cautious about getting into "relationships," and I'm completely non-aggressive with girls. I may even be "picky." I don't want to get into such a situation unless it's going last a while, and unless it will have been worth it in the event that it all comes crashing down. And I hate dating. Dating says, "I'm a guy and a you're a girl, so let's act like it." A real relationship, at least my kind of relationship, has to start between two people, not a boy and a girl. You can't start with physical attraction and then try to fill in the blanks of real caring and true friendship later. Though physical intimacy can increase and amplify the emotional link, of course, and, hey, it's pretty good just by itself. But the emotional link and identification with someone has to be the meat, with physical attraction giving it that extra push into ecstasy. Anyway... (point, point, what was my point?) Sometimes I feel like I don't need anyone and never will. But sometimes I really really NEED someone. I think I'm the kind of person who just needs one person to lean on, and be leaned on by. My hypothetical girlfriend is not just my girlfriend, she is my best friend, and she satisfies me in ways no one else could. And I do the same for her.

I want to fall in love and get married, and live the rest of my life with that person. I'm very aware of how hard that is to do, but I think it can be done. It has been done! And I'm going to do it. But I'm going to be real careful about who I fall in love with.

just shut your mouth
how can you say
i go about things the wrong way
i am human and i need to be loved
just like anybody else does

That's kind of a corny song.

All that's not to say that I don't get stupid crushes on a regular basis. But, especially around here, I realize all too quickly that it could never go anywhere. And it's not just because I'm picky, or whatever. I really don't fit in here anymore, and I'm really not what most of the girls around here want, whether they realize it or not.

Am I being vague, or is it abundantly obvious what I'm talking about?

I had a girlfriend you know. I started walking home with her after school every day in 7th grade. When we were sixteen was the first time I kissed her- I mark that as the actual start of the "relationship." And I broke up with her, "officially," about a year ago. Why? I don't really even know... She still wants me to tell her. It just didn't feel right anymore. I read somewhere that a sign of a couple that won't last is not that they argue, but the presence of "contempt" when arguing. Signs of "contempt" are things like rolling your eyes and using a lot of sarcasm, and I did both of those when arguing with her. I just couldn't talk to her anymore, I just couldn't show her how I felt. We were just headed in opposite directions... And I'm not what she wants anymore, and she's not what I want anymore... Though I still think she's very likely the most beautiful female on the planet. And it was worth it.

when our worlds they fall apart
when the walls come tumbling in
though we may deserve it
it will be worth it

Someday, though, lightning will strike again. Maybe soon, even. I think these things are often best if they aren't initially planned and/or sought after.

Once, about a year ago, I met a girl in a random place who I hit it off with immediately. But we had to part before we even knew what the other's name was, and I never saw her again. Maybe I'll relate that story sometime.

Anyway, I was talking about loneliness. It's not so bad. After a while, it's almost... invigorating.

Though I should say, I'm probably less lonely right now than I have been at any point in the last two years. Just so you know.

And hey- don't think I'm alone because I'm ugly or even... uncool. Because not only am I a hot guy, I am COOL. oh yeah, babe. Natural tendencies and psychological crap have just been conspiring against me recently. No biggie, sweetheart, no biggie!

do you not hear me anymore
i know it's not your thing to care
i know it's cool to be so bored
sucks me in when you're aloof
it sucks me in, it sucks it works
i guess it's cool to be alone

That song could have been written about me, I think. I think it's how some people feel about me...

Well, if you've actually read all this, I salute you.

fighting the battle of who could care less,