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2004-05-10 6:01 p.m.

go; here i dreamt i was an architect, revisited

Well, it seems Nemesis and I broke up last night.

I guess it was more or less a mutual thing. Perhaps it was doomed from the start. Things have been getting increasingly difficult. We've been getting in fights over stupid little things. A while back she told me she just doesn't understand me.

medusa kiss me and crucify this unholy notion of the mythic power of love

Then last night, when discussing the possibility of a break-up, she said something along the lines of "having you to tell my problems to is worse than not having anyone at all." Ouch, Nemesis. Ouch. There seems little point in continuing after a statement like that. She later said she hadn't meant to say it quite like that, but... that's really not the kind of statement you can just take back.

thank you for this bitter knowledge

What it comes down to, I suppose, is that we just can't provide what the other needs. When she gets upset about something, nothing I can do or say seems of any worth; in fact I frequently just seem to make it worse. And I don't know if it was just because I was tired of the endless repetitions on that theme, or what, but at some point a key component of my feelings for her faded away.

makes one hardened but what has happened to love?

I feel bad. At the beginning, I would go to bed after our phone conversations just to dream about the conversation continuing. I would wake myself up in the middle of the night, talking to her, only gradually realizing that she wasn't actually there. I don't know what happened to all that, but it seems like it's gone now. Not to mention her mother's health has just taken a serious turn for the worse, and it's just generally a very difficult time in her life. But it seems I couldn't help her with that, anyway.

forget about the ones that are crying

I still care about her and I have nothing but respect for her. I think she returns the sentiment.

It's a damn shame.

and though i'm nothing of a builder
here i dreamt i was an architect
and i built this balustrade to keep you home
to keep you safe from the outside world

but the angles and the corners
(even though my work is unparalleled)
they never seemed to meet; the structure fell about our feet
and we were free to go

a steel-eyed vampire of love,