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2008-05-18 2:32 a.m.


Periodic funk. That seems to be the mood of the week. A combination of minor factors coming together to put me in a dark mood that ultimately has no reason for being. It's very adolescent of me.

WTF is in Japan for a couple weeks. It's been interesting to see what my life here might be like if she wasn't around. She left me a letter that is indecipherable in a variety of ways. Shorter than most, though.

She said that there are things that I don't tell her, but that I wish to confide in machines. Perhaps that line inspired today's entry.

I've said that she turned out to be a totally different person from who I thought she was when I first met her. But I realized today that, when writing, she is still the original. It occurred to me wonder which one is real. Then it occurred to me that it's probably not an either or an or.

When Adore by Smashing Pumpkins came out, everyone seemed to hate it. I was a bit put off myself, but somehow it's grown on me over the years. It's music for headphones and being alone in a dark room. Music for insomnia, malaise, and nebulous existential unease. I'm disturbed by how much the title track seems to capture the attitude I've often had towards my romantic relationships.

i'll pull your crooked teeth
you'll be perfect just like me
you'll be a lover in my bed
and a gun to my head

I seem to be attracted to weakness and self-doubt. I always think I can bring them out of it, give them confidence and strength, show them the power they didn't know they had. But maybe they were right all along. Maybe I should have believed them in the beginning.

This one seems particularly devoted to her low opinion of herself. I see so much potential in her, but she sees nothing, and is inordinately fond of resignedly insisting that she will not change. Who am I to argue?

I'd been wondering for a while. Then recently I started to feel better about things. But the new letter brought me back down.

I've been with her for longer than I was with Junko now, I think. Kind of hard to believe. And so, breaking it off with her would likely be as hard on me as it was with Junko or Duchess. I can never remove these people from my heart. I cut them with my indifference, and then drown myself in deep wells of devotion we never even knew were there.

lovely girl, you're the murder in my world
dressing coffins for the souls i've left to die

If it's not this one, I'm not sure it will be anyone.

She has a lot of qualities that I would very much like to have in a lifelong companion. Rare qualities. Where am I going to find that again?

If we have children together, and they read this, what will they think?

Sometimes I feel she's indifferent or hostile to everything I love. This I have said to her. If I don't tell her things, it's because I expect she's not interested.

If I have children with another woman, and they read this, what will they think?

I worry so much about her sometimes.

I can't stand to be around her when she's angry.

I love her.

let them cry out through your rusted scars,