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2000-06-22 00:27:07

atomic dog and more self absorption

from another direction she was caught in my eye
it might be an illusion but i might as well try

Yeah. I've got my eye on another girl. I'd thought I'd put these random irrational attractions behind me, but I guess not. With luck it will just blow over... It usually does. I feel fleeting interest in girls fairly frequently, and it's usually gone before I get the guts to do anything about it. I guess that's how I know if it's really worth going after- if it doesn't go away. If it lasts longer than a month or two, it lasts years. But with this girl, I may never see her again after another month or so unless I take action soon... I should probably just drop it.

why must i feel like that
why must i chase the cat?
it's nothing but the dog in me

Today I was walking through a building, and there was some kind of meeting going on with tables of food. And I went up there, and I took a carrot stick, and I ATE IT, as if it was my divine right to take my portion of the fruits of the labor of my indentured servants. MWA HA HA HA I'm so evil.

I'm really tired and feel like sleeping. But when I lay down I don't feel like sleeping anymore. What's a boy to do?

I've been brooding a lot lately on the significance (or lack thereof) of human existence in general and my existence as an individual member of this seething mass, specifically. I really have no idea what I want out of life. I don't know what I want to be or do. My indecision is often what douses my motivation. I don't know what I want, and I don't know who I am. That makes it a little hard to get what I want and become who I want to be, doesn't it? It feels like something is holding me back, but I don't know what it is. I don't feel like I'm really living right now. Just kind of staggering through each day, headed down a path I chose fairly arbitrarily several years ago. I don't change my path, because this might actually be the way I want to go. I don't know. That's just not good enough anymore. Though I suppose I have made some pretty significant changes in path recently, in other ways I'm just in the process of following what's right in front of me, having no idea if it's really what I want or not. Maybe I just need more experience before I can really make a good decision. I guess that's one reason why I want to run away to Japan indefinitely after I graduate. I think I want something totally different, so I have something to compare my previous experiences to. [btw- that rule about not ending a sentence with a preposition is actually becoming somewhat archaic...]

I try to get out there and "walk confidently toward my goals," but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to swim through a mountain of peanut butter. [you want it all, but you can't have it- it's in your face, but you can't grab it]

You know that song, "Falling to Pieces," by Faith No More? I've thought of that as my theme song for years.

there's more to life than this

Does "brooding" have a negative connotation? Because I think I do it a lot.

kizutsuku koto wa kowakunai dakedo keshite tsuyokunai
tada, nani mo shinai mama de kuyandari wa shitakunai

hakarishirenai ooki na yami ga
oto o tatete mukatte kite mo
asa ga kireba dareka ga ireba
kokoro ni aru zetsubou wa keseru
motto tsuyoku imeeji shite hohoenderu jibun o
shinjite iru omoi, sore ga
nani yori mo dare yori mo yume ni chikazuku

Alright, enough of this. I need to go DO something.

in between my love and my agony,