Yesterday was the 4th of July. I didn't forget. Though I didn't do anything.
I should be working.
Diaryland seems to be continuing its slow decay. Mysteria recently closed up shop, which was rather shocking to me. That blog had to have been almost eight years old… That leaves only Unclebob and Mimi Smartypants as people on my friends list who still update. Though I imagine they'll move on to greener pastures sooner or later.
I haven't exactly been updating a lot myself. (Not that anyone reads anymore even when I do…) I've been posting photos over at the other place, but even that has been irregular.
I wonder if blogging was a phase, and now I'm growing out of it? I don't really want to grow out of it. But it seems my entries these days mostly just devolve into political rants and recaps of news stories, which was definitely not what I had in mind when I started this thing. I feel it's gotten a little boring. I think the reason may be that I don't update enough. Traditionally I think many of my best entries have come when I didn't really know what I wanted to write about when I started.
I seem to have forgotten how to make friends on-line. Or rather, I just don't feel like taking the time to. And my existing on-line friendships all seem to be falling into various levels of decay. These things require time. And time is not something I'm going to be getting more of anytime soon.
I may move this diary elsewhere at some point. It would be a huge pain to transfer all the old entries, though… And I'm attached to this place. It's been a nice outlet for me over the years. I've got a lot of good memories here.
I've been depressed the last several days. The fact that I'm leaving Japan has finally started to sink in. I'm not very excited about that. And if I'm depressed about it now, just wait till the reverse culture shock sinks in… That will be a joy.
I'm anxious about the move, mostly for the same reasons discussed earlier. I'm worried about how things will work out with WTF. I'm worried about juggling taking care of her with school and translation and all the other things I seem dead-set on doing.
Zen training has also taken a turn for the worse lately. I'm starting to think that I don't really have the physical constitution to do it seriously. I mean, we knew from the start that I don't handle sleep deprivation well. But lately there's the fact that I seem to go numb while meditating much more easily than others, and this has not changed significantly after almost two years of more or less daily meditation. And on the second or third day of an intensive meditation retreat, it seems unavoidable that I will start to experience excruciating pain in my hip joints. This does not seem to be a problem that other people have. It could be related to my old condition, or it could be that I have defective hip joints (both my father and brother have broken their hips, and both at fairly young ages, which is rather suspicious). My hope is that these problems will disappear as I get better at sitting in a proper full lotus, but that hope has started to fade a bit recently. If anything it seems like I'm getting more numb and more prone to hip pain lately. I hope I haven't damaged my nerves.
The good news is that I continue to be excited about going back to school. I'm more interested in biochemistry now than I ever was as an undergraduate. My problem, really, is that I find being alive to be unbearably interesting. There's so much to do and to learn about. And as far as problems go, that's a good one to have.
My time in Japan has been great. I feel like I've accomplished some serious marrow sucking over the last three years. There's no reason to stop sucking now, right? The flavor will just be a little different. (This is starting to sound a little risqué...)
I'm rereading Harry Potter. I like Harry Potter.
“When meeting calamities or difficult situations, it is not enough to simply say that one is not at all flustered. When meeting difficult situations, one should dash forward bravely and with joy. It is the crossing of a single barrier and is like the saying, ‘The more the water, the higher the boat.’”
like an eye that's closing,