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2005-08-16 1:13 p.m.

more conversations with fish

Wow. I went to see WTF in Oita Prefecture this weekend. It was the most… I don’t even know what to call it. “Weird” and “dramatic” come to mind, but they’re not quite right.

Talking to her often feels like talking with a character from Alice in Wonderland. The fact that she speaks in a weird alloy of Kyoto and Tohoku dialects does not make it any easier to figure out what the fuck she’s trying to say.

The first night I was there I had a dream, almost more like a vision, since I wasn’t totally asleep, that she stabbed me to death with my own kitchen knife and then mutilated my body. I hadn’t done anything wrong; she just kind of freaked out, kind of like in “By the Light of the Jukebox” by Dean Paschal. I didn’t feel anger or fear as I died, just resignation.

I told her about this dream the next day, but I shouldn’t have.

She told me about some dreams she had of me. In one I turned away from her and wouldn’t turn to face her no matter how many times she called my name. In another I was riding a blue bicycle. In another she went to take my hand but then got embarrassed and released it. I smiled and took hers in mine.

I took her bowling. We played four games. From the moment I suggested bowling she would not shut up about how terrible she was at it, though of course she beat me three out of four games (we tied on the first game). On the last game she bowled 134, which is pretty damn close to the best I’ve ever bowled.

I finally got it out of her that she’s fallen extremely hard for me and wants a relationship. I had suspected as much from her letters, but in person, as always with her, things got a lot more confusing. Here’s a typical conversation:

Me: “I can’t help but notice you staring at me.”

WTF: “It’s because you have such beautiful eyes.”

Me: “You know, if you say things like that, it makes me think you want to kiss me.”

WTF: “Then I’ll stop saying them.” [Though of course she didn’t.]

I’ve had women give me mixed signals before, but that was nothing compared to this. I like to think that I’m fairly good at reading body language and picking up on how people are feeling, but with her I’m totally lost. There were times this weekend when I was totally convinced that she had absolutely no romantic interest in me whatsoever.

She didn't like it whenever I spoke casually of death, especially my own death (which I tend to do). After one of our bowling matches, I told her, “You totally slaughtered me.” She got really upset and made me promise not to say such things anymore.

Finally I got this jaw-dropping story out of her, which explains a lot (though not nearly all) of the weirdness and adds some really odd overtones to the story of our first meeting:

It seems that the weekend that we met, she was in a relationship with another guy. She’d been with him for about a year, but she was dissatisfied. He didn’t listen to her. There were several specific things he did that bothered her; she asked him to stop and he would say he would and then do nothing. She had been threatening to leave him for months, but he didn’t take her seriously. That day at the aquarium she asked the fish what she should do. In fact, she said the picture I got of her was most likely taken at the exact moment she was consulting the fish. The answer the fish gave her was this: “If you tried to come to our world, you would die. If we tried to come to your world, we would die.” She took this to mean that she should end the relationship. When she told the guy she was leaving, he said, “If you leave me, I will die.” She left him. He promptly came down with cancer and has been in the hospital wasting away for months. The doctors say it’s probably terminal. He blames her and she blames herself. She visits him every week, but she won’t go back to him.

Is that not fucking insane? I’m tempted to disbelieve it, as she’s lied to me before, but… It does explain a lot of the weirdness, and certainly the way in which she told me seemed utterly honest. I guess I’ll have to believe her.

i was born yesterday
and i believe all that you say
i have no choice but to obey
you

is this the first or the second day
of the rest of my life, well hey
why should i care either way
if what you say
is true

Actually, my suspicion is that he knew he had cancer before she dumped him and is just using it to hurt her.

Poor girl. She’s sensitive enough as it is, without having shit like this go down.

She seems devoted to blaming herself for everything that goes wrong. She automatically assumes the worst where other people’s feelings for her are concerned. Thus she acts like she’s not interested in me when quite the reverse is true. When she did finally come out and tell me how she really felt, she was insistent that I was only making romantic overtures to her because I knew she was extremely interested in me and not because I was seriously interested in her. Of course, that’s comically far from the truth, since from my perspective the opposite appeared to be true.

I did end up kissing her, near the end, but it wasn’t very good. She was holding back. And maybe she should be.

She also turned a metaphorical mirror on me and showed me some things about myself that aren’t so wonderful. I didn’t expect such incisiveness from her. It’s been a long, long time since I experienced self-loathing like that. But on the way home yesterday I listened to a lot of Nirvana and got over it. I feel better about things now; I know what needs to change and I know how to do it.

i’m so lonely
that’s okay, i shaved my head
and i’m not sad
and just maybe
i’m to blame for all i’ve heard
but i’m not sure
i’m so excited
i can’t wait to meet you there
but i don’t care
i’m so horny
that’s okay, my will is good

Against my better judgment, I think I want a relationship with this girl. Though she’s constantly embarrassed by it, she’s got zest. She walks with energy and whimsy, always stopping to observe and examine any little thing that catches her interest. She always stops to touch and talk to animals. She is a thoughtful and truly caring person. She sees the world in strange and refreshing ways. I feel like a mortal who has somehow found himself loved by a nymph or a fairy. She’s beautiful enough to be one. I feel like I won’t be able to keep her with me indefinitely. But, foolish mortal that I am, I want to cherish her while I have the chance.

Now if only I could convince her to give up her endless march of self-flagellation.

she eyes me like a pisces when i am weak
i’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box four whole weeks
i’ve been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
i wish i could eat your cancer when you turn black

She says that while she may not kill me physically, she might kill my heart. I told her my heart has already died and been resurrected, and it can do it again.

though we may deserve it, it will be worth it,

greyarea

Diaryland