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2000-10-01 evening

how to disappear completely

I like October.

My Canadian visa (or whatever it was that gave me permission to live there) expired yesterday. I love Calgary.

The verdict is back on Moby's album, Play. I like it. A lot. "Simple yet effective" would be the best way to describe it. Most of the songs follow the tried and true pattern of successive addition and elaboration, but they do an amazing job of conveying the desired emotion. As far as emotional content, it's a pretty eclectic album. I appreciate that versatility. But it means that during any given listening of the album, some of the songs will just be out of sync with my mood. I wouldn't want to own it in tape form.

Of the three girls who seem to care the most about me, all have been, at some time or another, targets of my brutal indifference. I cut people off and shut them out. I don't know why, really. Indifference is probably my most obvious quality in my interactions with others (at least, in person). In some ways, I think that's good because I am not very much affected by peer pressure and I rarely find myself in horrible relationships. I don't get hurt or angry- I rarely even get annoyed. But it also leaves me pretty lonely. My mother says I tend to exude a "don't talk to me" vibe... I have to admit I am often cold to those who deserve my affection. I think I'm afraid of getting attached to someone who isn't attached to me, or of letting someone get more attached to me than I'd ever want to reciprocate. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship that can only finish at the dead end of sadness. I'm especially afraid of that here.

try to understand
that when i can
i will

People generally think of me as stoic, maybe even unfeeling. But I have to wonder sometimes if anyone feels things as acutely as I do. I just show very little of what goes on in my head on my face.

i fear i'm the only one who thinks this way