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2000-11-02 3am

reveries d'un promeneur solitaire OR message in a bottle

So, it's November.

First- an apology for the ensuing whining. I just have to write what is in me at the moment.

I come from my classic nocturnal activity, pacing the kitchen in the dark.

I've been feeling that quiet desperation again. Will I ever escape it? Today has been one of those days where I've been witness to the tedious futility of my life. I feel vanquished by my shortcomings.

I really don't want to be here, in this city, anymore. I didn't want to come back. But it was the practical thing to do. daddy gets annoyed if i'm not practical. I'll probably be here two more years. A crushing thought.

I need money, and I need research experience, but I'm barely keeping up in my classes as it is.

I hate financial dependence.

I am fairly good at a great many things, but I excel at nothing. I've got just the right mix of skills and faults that I end up just short of doing anything worthwhile, of achieving anything great. I am wasted potential.

you want it all
but you can't have it
it's in your face
but you can't grab it

Just the other day I was noting to myself how I seemed to be experiencing life again for the first time in so long. All that seems shattered tonight.

Have you ever felt fear of dying because you were worried that there IS an afterlife? Sometimes I really just want to cease existing. I fear death would just be more of the same... Sleep is my only real escape. Maybe that's why I'm so unwilling to sacrifice it to get to class.

I've been feeling intensely lonely again lately. I'd thought I was past that, I'd thought I was used to it, I'd thought I was okay. But maybe you never really get used to it. Stupid humans and their need for companionship! Stupid humans and their quest for understanding!

I just want someone to be with me, to know who I am. It just takes me so long to get to know people. I tend to be extremely aloof to those I don't know, and it takes me quite a while to be comfortable with a person. My roommate says that now that I've gotten to know him I talk more than any person he's ever known...

"All I really want, is someone to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay."

I'm so weak. I sometimes like to think of myself as a strong-willed person. In some ways I am, but in the ways that are important, I am not. I have no willpower, no discipline. Transiently perhaps, but not enough to make any real difference.

My shortcomings seem insurmountable. Some of the more serious ones I have little control over- they were forced upon me and I'm at a loss as to how to do deal with them.

Nothing seems to work.

I need to find a way around, or over, or under. I need to get through, past. I need to get through to my future self and give him a reason to live. something in the way I have no goals, no purpose, no stewardship.

I need someone to care for, someone to care for me. I need someone to be my world, I need to be the world of someone else. But it can't be just anyone. And maybe it can't be anyone, at all. No one here will want me once they know what I am.

But actually I don't need anyone. watashi ga hitori de aruku. je suis le promeneur solitaire. My solitude will burn out all useless emotions, eventually.

but is that true? do i want it to be?

I'll just keep trudging along, trying to keep my head up, doing my best to appreciate the tearful beauty of my surroundings. I'll get somewhere worth being someday. Or I'll realize that where I am is wonderful. patience...

"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?"

It's been purgative. This is my message in a bottle. I guess I'll cast it into the silver sea now.