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2002-12-08 5:09 p.m.

unfortunate events

I've discovered a new bit of magic. A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket. I've read the first two so far. It makes me mad that I hadn't thought of it first- that's just the kind of thing I would write if asked to write a book series for children. Marvelously moody. Conspiratorially paranoid.

In other news, I think I suck at Cha Cha.

A dangerous young Torontonian has been constantly in the back of my mind recently. With luck it won't amount to anything.

"Akane!"

"Pig-tailed girl!"

Damn my indecision.

The Junko thing. I just don't know. She's distressingly passive and something about the whole deal just feels wrong. And yet, there's something about her I just can't walk away from. There's something about her I just love in spite of myself, in spite of her. I don't know what to do. The emotional tug of war in my head is at a constant stalemate, so I can't leave but I can't move forward, either. Things have just been stagnating for a good while now. I don't know what will happen. I just want things to be like they were. But that's just not possible.

"Um. What's the name of the word for things not being the same always. You know, I'm sure there is one. Isn't there? There must be a word for it... the thing that lets you know time is happening. Is there a word?"

"Change."

"Oh. I was afraid of that."

I guess what it boils down to is that Junko is very different from the kind of person I had always imagined myself being with. I can't decide whether I want to abandon that old ideal in favor of her. I also can't decide if I'm ready to commit to anyone on such on a longterm scale just now. If I were to attach myself to Junko... I just have this feeling she'd end up the passenger on the journey of my life. A copilot is really more what I had in mind.

But this other part of me really wants to take care of Junko. This other part of me says, "If not you, who?" This other part of insists that the job can't go to just anyone.

And of course, it's not as simple as all that.

I feel extremely comfortable with her. I can let the child in me out to play when I'm with her, which I really can't do with anyone else.

And yet, I just can't talk to her about many of the things that are most important to me. Part of it's the language barrier, but it's also a lack of interest and/or ability to understand on her part...

My plan is to leave for Europe next August or perhaps later in the autumn. I doubt Junko will be accompanying me.

Enough whining! I'm sorry you had to be subjected to that.

yellow roses in the graveyard
got no time to watch them grow

it's only lies that i'm living,

greyarea

Diaryland