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2001-12-09 2:58 p.m.

grey area

This is an excerpt from an email I wrote to mysteria today:

"Hmm... I'm feeling a bit down today... Sundays have been bad for me the past few months. I try to give most people around here the impression that I am what they expect me to be. But the reality of who I am is drifting further and further from this facade. It's getting more difficult to maintain. I used to pride myself on being so honest, but now I've been forced (forced myself, perhaps) into a situation where I really can't be honest... Not if I want to be left in peace... Not if I want to graduate from this institution. Not if I want to do this internship in Japan. I felt like before I had come out on the right side of my moral dilemmas, for the most part, but now... I just don't know. I can't tell the difference between right and wrong now like I could before. It's all one big grey area. And I'm lost in the middle of it somewhere, not sure whether I want black or white, and without being able to tell the difference in any case. My choice of a net name seems oddly prescient today..."

I'm an honest liar, I really am.