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2009-08-15 6:06 p.m.

1: long love

"And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee." Matthew 18:9

I met WTF over four years ago, and we have been an item for a little less than four years. About a month ago I informed her that I didn't want to marry her. In the meantime we continued on almost exactly as we had before. Things went well between us. But on August 12th, she left for parts unknown. And so here we are.

a grey sky, a bitter sting
a rain cloud, a crane on wing
all out beyond horizon
a grey sky, a bitter sting

Somewhat surprisingly, she seemed to handle the day of parting much better than I did. I think she worked through a lot of her feelings when I first loudly proclaimed my dissatisfaction back in April.

i just couldn't leave it alone
i kept picking at that scab
it was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
but i climbed through


Ending this relationship has been like killing a treasured but terminally injured family pet with a shovel. It keeps screaming and crying, and I keep bashing and bashing, but it just doesn't want to die. So here we are.

it's nothing that i haven't seen before
but it still kills me like it did before

I'm feeling rather shell-shocked at the moment. I have no idea if I did the right thing, or if I made a terrible mistake. But, I made a decision and forced it through to its bloody conclusion. And so here we are.

my brain's the cliff
and my heart's the bitter buffalo

I don't know if I can do this anymore. If I find myself in this situation yet again, I donít think I'll have the resolve to make the kill. I'm not even sure I have it this time; she made it clear that she will come back any time I ask. All this is so much like it was with Junko; it's disturbing.

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse

She was my best friend. I really wanted to want to marry her, which I suppose is why this lasted as long as it did. I've had strong reservations about the relationship for years, but I just wanted it to work out. I just couldn't make it happen, though, and eventually I had to accept that it was time to bring out the shovel. And so here we are.

it doesn't matter what you say
i just can't stay here every yesterday and keep on acting
out the same the way we act out
every way to smile, forget
and make-believe we never needed any more than this

and every time i try to pick it up, like falling sand
as fast as i pick it up it runs away through my clutching hands
but there's nothing else i can really do

Her favorite band (in fact, her overriding obsession) is called B'z. One of their songs, called ながい愛 ("Nagai Ai"; "Long Love") seems to describe the arc of our relationship extremely well. (Translation of lyrics available upon request.)

if someday the world fades away
amongst the rubble, like the sparkling morning dew
i want to leave a feeling of beauty
that feeling is what i want to give to you

She used to meow or bark at me to get my attention. And I keep thinking I hear her. It's as if her living spirit is haunting me, like Rokujo in the Tale of Genji.

なにもかもすり減らしながら生きる,

greyarea

(all life is the process of slowly wearing away)

Diaryland