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2005-02-20 9:55 p.m.

i snap out of it

I went to Nagasaki this weekend for the lantern festival.

Friday night I went to the theatre and saw two films.

It cracks me up that I live in a place where going to a movie theater is a rare treat only enjoyed when I "go into town." In fact, from where I sit right now it takes me a minimum of about three hours of travelling to get to the nearest one. Why does this make me feel like a farmer's son in the 1930s?

Anyway, I saw:

Neverland All I knew going into it was that it was about the guy who wrote Peter Pan and it had Johnny Depp in it. What more do you need to know? I was not disappointed, though the way he la de da let his marriage fall apart was kind of disheartening. 3 stars Could advance to four if I decide it has good rewatch value.

In between watching these two films I found out that Kami is engaged. More on that later.

The Phantom of the Opera My mother highly recommended it, so I checked it out. And while I will admit I liked some of the music, all in all it didn't do it for me. I'm just not a fan of the genre, generally speaking. They obviously took quite a few poorly copied pages out of the Moulin Rouge playbook. (You could argue, I suppose, that Moulin Rouge took some pages from the Phantom playbook, but Moulin Rouge took so many pages from so many playbooks (and modified them just so) that it could be said to be a brand new playbook. The movie adaptation of Phantom of the Opera owes a lot more to Moulin Rouge than Moulin Rouge owes to Phantom of the Opera, the Broadway musical. Especially considering that this film wouldn't even have been made if not for Moulin Rouge.) The acting was crappy. I hate movie sets that are OBVIOUSLY movie sets. The whole thing felt like a crappy theme park ride. I also got the feeling while watching it that my own life of late has some similarities to the story, with me as Raoul, except that Christine chooses the Phantom. That did not increase my enjoyment. 2 stars It would get lower, but the strength of the story and some of the music save it. A little. And Minnie Driver is cool.

So yeah. She still still hasn't formally responded to my letter, but yeah. She told me she does feel passion now, and even jealousy. As if to say, "Look! I'm jealous! That's how I know I'm in love!" She had said before that he had never been jealous when they were originally dating, and that always bothered her. So I asked her if the fact that she's still talking to me now makes him jealous. She said that yes, it makes him "crazy with jealousy." I asked her if she was glad that he was jealous, and she said "better than not being jealous."

And with that, the spell was broken. She had said things like this before, but I didn't really take it seriously. But she really seems to think that jealousy is an indispensible part of a good relationship. And if jealousy is what she wants, then... well... we aren't meant to be, she and I. I don't believe in jealousy; I believe in trust. I feel strongly about this.

I think she feels that jealousy is indicative of passion and that passion is an essential component of love. But I don't like passion, at least not that kind. My opinion is that "what you [Kami] call passion is not spiritual force, but friction between the soul and the outside world. Where passion dominates, that does not signify the presence of greater desire and ambition, but rather the misdirection of these qualities toward an isolated and false goal, with a consequent tension and sultriness in the atmosphere." (That's another Hesse quote, and in fact directly precedes the one I quoted last time.)

All the evidence indicates to me that she has a very warped idea of what love is. I hate to say this, but... maybe she DOES deserve a guy like that, if that's how she feels.

All the other things that bugged me about her now loom large over the things I liked, as well. Did you know she didn't like Amélie? Can you believe that? She said she liked the visuals but she thought the story was boring. Can you fucking believe that shit?

I don't regret it, though. She does have what the French call a certain... I don't know what. (And she sings like an angel.) I was just tired of always holding back in love, so I'm glad I gave love a chance. But I'm also glad she's not coming back. To use one of Kelly's favored expressions, I think I just dodged a bullet there.

We had a fun time while it lasted, and I think it will ferment into a good memory.

She's gonna miss me, babe.


Kelly once said about Little Wing's emails that when she was writing to you she made you feel like you were the only person in the world who mattered. Upon hearing of this, she claimed she learned everything she knew about the art of the email from me. I would be really pleased if people felt that way about my correspondence.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but isn't a word worth a thousand pictures, as well?

love in the shadows was never hard to find,