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2002-11-02 2:31 p.m.

anabolic insider





How ya doin?


I'm doing alright.

I got a job working for a professor. I'll be optimizing a system to synthesize carbon nanotubes. I'll graduate in December, and I'll probably make nanotubes till April. After that I'll spend the summer selling home security. I'd like to go to Britain for a karate course the third week of August. Then I want to live in France for at least 9 months, but the details of that haven't been worked out yet. Then I want to go back to Japan for a year or two. Then I want to go to graduate school, probably the University of Washington. I don't know what will come after that.

Prepare yourself for hilarity. Several weeks ago, a magazine addressed to a Yasutoshi Yodo arrived at our humble abode. It's called "(The You Can't Get Too Big...) Anabolic Insider." Here are the articles advertised on the cover (everything that follows is exactly as it appears in the issue):

Get Huge And Shredded In No Time... New Anabolic Compound Is 7 Times More Anabolic Than Regular Testosterone!!!

The Most Revealing Steroid Book Ever Written Sells Out In Record Time... Find Out Why The Bodybuilding Community Just Can't Grow Without It!!!

Find Out Why Thousands Of Bodybuilders Are "Re-Discovering" One Of The Most Potent Legal Anabolic Compounds Ever... Guaranteed!"

Inside you can find:

an ad for a bodybuilding supplement called RAGE (flavor- Orange Cream Smoothie)

The article mentioned above, whose actual title is "Now You're Guaranteed To Get Huge And Shredded In No Time Because... The Biggest "Oversight" In Pharmaceutical History Now Allows The Sale Of A New Compound That's 7 Times More Anabolic Than Regular Testosterone!"

The following random quotes from an article about a new supplement: "Tanned, shredded, tight midsection, lean face, looking good in clothes, women coming on to you... men getting pissed off at you for women coming on to you... you gotta love it! That's when you know you look good... when you start getting shit from other guys! And let me tell you something, when you start moderately 'juicin' with my triple stack you're going to piss off practically every guy you meet." "After all, what's the point of being big and puffy... you want sleek and big. You know, a muscular thoroughbred like Secretariat, not an elephant like Dumbo!"

A discussion board where shredded guys ask ripped guys questions like, "How can I last longer than a minute in sex?", "How do I target the inner chest?", and "How do start a real relationship with my fuckbuddy who is a med student?"

A comic entitled "The Misadventures of Tex." This month's installment is entitled "Tex vs. Beaver." In this episode: While counting his reps, shredded Tex meets the beautiful Diana Bol (occupation: gym slut) and has sex with her.

An article on German creatine which starts out by saying: "Let me ask you a serious question. If your life depended on a safe and reliable car... which car would you buy? A Chinese car, or a German car? The answer is obvious... unless you're a descendant of Mao Tse Tung. The Germans... you just can't get any more precise and efficient! From their cars like Mercedes and BMW, to their steroids like Primobolan... everything they produce is indeed "Primo." Quality control is their national anthem. 'Made in China'... however, just doesn't get the same respect! You're 'suspicious' of the quality. Cheap labor, supervised by other cheap labor, doesn't produce top-notch stuff, whether it's cars or creatine."

An "FDA cleared" ad for penile enlargement. "This is the only proven system that works," says Dr. Kaplan.

A review of the book Anabolic Outlaw, that reads as follows: "Okay, I think the book "Anabolic Outlaw" is a 'must-read' for everyone in the game today. Not because it's a manual or some kind of dopey warning about the perils of using drugs, but because it's a F#*King page-turning riot! If I had to liken this book to anything, I'd say that it's a volume out of the equivalent of a "Hardy Boys series for Bodybuilding"! I mean that sarcastically and literally. It's by a guy named Dennis L. Bates who was apparently a drug dealer, gym owner, bodybuilder, promoter, and you-name-it, who got busted in this elaborte drug trafficking scheme by DEA agents. I don't want to give it away because it's actually pretty entertaining, despite being written in a lame way using lame 20 pt. font. It's like the publishers of the book must have told the dude, "Look, you lost me at You have the right to remain silent...and your book needs to fill more pages. So, because I can't see milking any more out of this story, we're just going to go ahead and print it 'senior citizen style' in the legally blind type face." That alone is worth the price of the book (which is only an embarrassing $4.95 at Anyway, it's better than a Miami Vice rerun...conspiracy, smuggling, possession...ill-fitting posing trunks and a tube sock...salvation by Jesus... Well, you get the picture. Check it out."

Check it out. And the best part is, they call themselves "athletes."

In other news, I saw the American version of The Ring, and I mostly approve. I'm also trying to learn to play Go.

sure as you can steer a train you can change your fate,