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2002-12-06 1:30 a.m.

brooks books and tidal sea change

I'm back and ringing the bell, just like Vanilla Ice taught me to. Didja see? The man had a part in "The New Guy." He's coming back. Give me Cool As Ice over 8 Mile any day...

Oh, just nevermind!

I'm listening to Cibo Matto right now. I love Cibo Matto.

i know my chicken
you got to know your chicken

You know what else I love? Terry Brooks. I know people with any knowledge of fine literature or whatever aren't really supposed to like such things, but... I like what I like. I've been reading this man since I was eleven years old, and I've read all of his books (unless you want to count the book adaptation of Hook). And he's really perfected his craft in the Word and the Void series and in the latest Shannara books, The Voyage of the Jerle Shannara.

A Knight of the Word is my favorite Brooks book. It's viciously depressing. John Ross is a personal idol. And even though it's a fantasy novel, it also forces the reader to take a good hard look at reality and ask themself if they are really doing their part to make the world a better place.

"Ross experienced a sense of futility in thinking of the disguises that obscured the truths in human existence. It was so easy to become lost in the smug certainty that what happened to others really mattered very little to you. It was so easy to ignore the ties that bound humanity together on its collective journey in search of grace."

I found that quote just now, by paging through my journal from the time when I was reading that book and had written it down... I read it in October of 1999, about four months before my first Diaryland entry. Looking back on it, that was a fascinating time in my life- I was just regaining consciousness and starting the arduous crawl from the ashes. Strange days. Anyway, here's what I wrote about A Knight of the Word the day after I finished it:

"A Knight of the Word was absolutely astounding. Wow. It is the sequel to Running With the Demon (great title) [I didn't care for the book itself so much, though] ... It was so great- I was up till 5am last night reading it. It wove together fantasy, mystery, horror, and important social issues so cohesively. It really got me thinking about the homeless issue. And I just love characters like John Ross. People whose lives are hell, who have sacrificed everything for their far-fetched goals, people who keep going no matter what happens, who do what must be done because they are the only ones willing and/or able to do so. Roland of Gilead, from Stephen King's Dark Tower series, is another like that. I really seem to identify and sympathize with characters like that... A Knight of the Word reminded me very much of the Bhagavad Gita, as well. It's almost like a modern Western incarnation of it."

A year ago I read Ilse Witch, the first in the new Shannara series. I couldn't put it down and was extremely frustrated when I finished the book and realized the next book wasn't even out yet. I finally picked up Antrax, the second, about a month ago when I saw it had finally come out in paperback. I intended to read it and then wait for the third, Morgawr, to come out in paperback as well before getting it. But alas, the book swallowed my soul (when I finally got around to seriously reading it last weekend) and I couldn't concentrate on anything else until it was finished, at which time my thoughts shifted to Morgawr. I had to buy it immediately, even though it was still in hardback and I only had about $70 to my name. I read it in the same frantic feverish haze in which I had engorged Antrax. Actually, I've always read Terry's books that way...

It was wonderful. I came to love the chracters so much and I felt it deeply whenever one of them died... I knew that if I could just stay with them through it all that somehow they'd find a way to survive and win out. However, if I was to stop reading and leave them, there was no guarantee that everything would be alright. I just had to be there with them.

I guess I'm a geek. I don't know why I get so worked up about these things. Sometimes it just seems like I feel things more deeply than others do. And yet I tend to give every impression of having no passion and very little emotion whatsoever to those I meet in real life. But they have no idea who I really am. Part of it is that I'm just naturally introverted. But maybe I fear that I can't give my emotions the slightest freedom in my daily life without them running totally out of control.

"Those who direct the maximum force of their desires toward the center, toward true being, toward perfection, seem quieter than the passionate souls because the flame of their fervor cannot always be seen. In argument, for example, they will not shout or wave their arms. But I assure you, they are nevertheless burning with subdued fires." (that's from Hesse's Glass Bead Game)

you'll never touch these things that I hold
the skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
you'll never feel the heat of this soul
my fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown
to you

Fiona Apple's Tidal is one of my favorite albums. Probably top five. I love its soft dreamy languor, so much like the brooding reveries I tend to find myself in. I listen to it when I feel silently sad, or just... I don't know. I like "When the Pawn Blah Blah Blah" alright, but I just can't connect to it like I can to Tidal. I'm starting to make a similar bond to Sea Change- but these things take time to grow.

Tidal. Sea Change. Hmm.

I'm sorry- the combination of having just finished a Terry Brooks marathon and then re-reading my writings from three years ago has put me in an odd mood. Terry Brooks drudges up my emotions from the crypt where I keep them, and looking back to three years ago recalls a time when my emotions were always just beneath the surface, constantly fighting to erupt through.

I saw Beck live not long ago, by the way. It was absolutely wonderful.

la musique souvent me prend comme une mer...

I'm of a mood to listen to music until I can't fight sleep off any longer.

under the waves in the blue of my oblivion,