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2004-01-18 11:54 a.m.

killing old yeller

"Few other griefs amid the ill chances of this world have more bitterness and shame for a manís heart than to behold the love of a lady so fair and brave that cannot be returned." -J.R.R. Tolkien, Return of the King

I broke up with Junko today. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've hardly ate or slept at all this weekend. But it had to happen, and it probably should have happened a long time ago. I was just confused because I love her so much.

I agonized about it for years, it seems- almost the whole duration of our relationship. Recently, however, certain developments in my personal life (which maybe I'll talk about later), as well as some different things people have recently said to me on the topic, got me thinking. I could't sleep at all Friday night, thinking about it.

Then suddenly everything clicked into place, and I saw everything clearly. Always before it felt like I was just leaning one way or the other, and I felt I had to wait to see if the inclination would settle or not. But this was certainty, and I knew there was no reason to wait and see if I would change my mind later. The right path was now obvious.

My confusion was the answer, you see. If Junko and I were truly right for each other, I wouldn't have to wonder about it. It would be obvious. I know now that my vacillation in my feelings for her would never truly have been resolved.

And Junko deserves more than that. She deserves a man who will worship the ground she walks on, who will have eyes only for her, who will make her feel like she is the most important and wonderful being in all of creation. I tried very hard for a very long time to be that man, but I failed. Now finally she'll be free to go out and find him.

She took it extremely well, actually, at least while I was talking to her (a whole lot better than I did, in fact. sheeyit). I think she'd been expecting it for a long time. She'd probably even considered ending it herself for the same reasons, but didn't in hopes that I would come around.

Anyway, my sincere thanks to all of my friends who have been patient while I dragged them in circles with me, over and over, agonizing over this.

Junko, no one will ever replace you in my heart. I will always cherish the time we had together, and I will always regret that I couldn't give you what you needed from me. I will always love you. Goodbye.