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2009-04-24 1:49 a.m.

slipping into a downward spiral of faith in pornography

it doesn't matter if we all die

So today, I seem to have awakened directly into something like an anxiety attack. Some other new iteration of my favorite game, in any case.

I did a little psychoanalysis on myself to figure out where all this was coming from. Clearly it was a combination of the stresses mentioned in the last entry, pent up stress from preliminary exams, the added weight of expectation from getting the fellowship and from doing so well on said exams, more frustration in benchwork, and not enough sleep the night before. Knowing this did not make me feel any less like ripping myself limb from limb, of course.

am i still tough enough
feels like iím wearing down
is my viciousness
losing ground
am i taking too much
did i cross a line

I would really have liked to just call it a sick day, curl up into the fetal position, plug my fingers into my ears, and spend the rest of the day humming pitifully, but I had cells in the incubator that had to be mini-prepped and the plasmids sent off for sequencing. So I put on all black and cloaked myself in the impenetrable barrier of Bose headphones blasting NIN into my skull (The Slip and The Downward Spiral), and managed to get it all done in a few hours without uttering more than a single sentence to anyone. Then I scuttled back home.

my voice just echoes off these walls
and i just slowly fade away
you will never ever get to me in here

To think I was originally slated to spend today at the capitol hobnobbing with state legislators or something. Ha. It's like I've become a manic depressive since starting graduate school. It's the nature of the game, I guess.

i jump from every rooftop

And of course after getting home I just had to go and download Faith and Pornography by The Cure. Man, where were these albums when I was sixteen? I would have been all over this. Add that to the talking points for my time machine trip.

in the caves all cats are grey

I will have to check out the Gormenghast series and Charlotte Sometimes.

one by one her senses die
the memories fade
and leave her eyes
still seeing worlds that never were
and one by one the bright birds leave her

Anyway, perhaps you noticed from the tone here, but I'm not feeling quite so crazy now. But I'm not looking forward to going out into the world again tomorrow.

one more day like today and i'll kill you

Actually, I have to go to a wedding tomorrow. A wedding that WTF and I were originally scheduled to attend together. So that will be fun.

perfect moments wait
if only we could stay
say the right words
or cry like the stone white clown
and stand forever
lost forever in a happy crowd

I wish I was more like mimi. I wish I could write entries she would like. But too often I'm all apocalyptic fears and self-absorbed whining. Not cool and detached and clever like mimi. Over there, the shit is wryly hinted at, but she never hits you over the head with it.

I am certain that the vast majority of people in my meatspace life never suspect I have days like this.

Trent Reznor and Robert Smith are the only ones who understand me!

i want to know everything
i want to be everywhere
i want to fuck everyone in the world
i want to do something that matters


a single note rings on and on and on,


i must fight this sickness